{"id":3530,"date":"2024-09-16T19:16:35","date_gmt":"2024-09-16T23:16:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/deborahblackwell.com\/?p=3530"},"modified":"2024-09-16T19:41:58","modified_gmt":"2024-09-16T23:41:58","slug":"whos-that-girl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/deborahblackwell.com\/?p=3530","title":{"rendered":"Who\u2019s That Girl?"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Imposter Syndrome Unraveled<\/h1>\n

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By Deborah Blackwell<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

In the hours before dawn, while the cat lies heavy on my legs and Sir Husband\u2019s breath keeps its quiet rhythm, I\u2019m busy\u2014writing a blog post, pondering book edits, answering emails, wondering if my rapid heartbeat is stress, and most importantly, trying to figure out how to live my best life. Eventually, I close my eyes and drift into sleep in comfortable discomfort\u2026nothing accomplished, nothing gained, just a busy mind in a tired body.<\/p>\n

What happens when life carries you away from your dreams?<\/p>\n

In my case, the answer could be: \u201cWhat I did on my summer vacation.\u201d I got a job, got COVID and bonus rebound, had a POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, aka Long COVID) relapse, learned my son had cancer (after emergency surgery, he\u2019s going to be fine), attended to my mother on the brink of death (again), lost a car, and bought a car, all the while ensuring my grey hair stayed colored, I met my deadlines, looked awake in Zoom meetings, and took my vitamins. Whew.\u00a0<\/p>\n

My summer represents most of my life. While managing my trials and tribs, I give others my heart, soul, time, and energy. Some genuinely accept and appreciate my support; some discard my efforts.<\/p>\n

So, the real question is, what happens when life carries you away from yourself?<\/p>\n

I often feel like an imposter\u2014to my passion, purpose, and dreams. As the clock ticks and the years pass, I\u2019ve done what I thought I had to because I\u2019m a people-pleasing perfectionist<\/em>\u2014two of the four P\u2019s of imposter syndrome. (And I\u2019m good at it. No impostering there.) But the other two P\u2019s create the internal gnaw: paralysis and procrastination. I\u2019m not paralyzed to do what I have<\/em> to do to manage my daily life\u2014but I seem to be when it comes to what I want<\/em> to do. \u00a0<\/p>\n

If I were truly qualified to achieve my dreams, I would be doing it. Right? It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t feel worthy or talented; I feel obligated to everything else. Plus, I don\u2019t believe my passion, purpose, and dreams can pay the bills or that I have the energy to do what it takes to get there. I fear failure\u2026or, worse, success\u2014imposter syndrome at its finest.<\/p>\n

At a recent check-up, my doctor told me, \u201cEveryone feels like an imposter; every one of my patients, especially here. We work at Harvard. How can we not?\u201d She\u2019s right. I know plenty of self-labeled \u201cimposters.\u201d We\u2019re not an elite group: my husband, my boss, my mentor, maybe even her. But imposter syndrome at work is one thing. The deep-down, nagging feeling that I\u2019m keeping myself from myself? That\u2019s huge.<\/p>\n

I could say something corny like, \u201cEach breath is a gift. Life itself is a gift. I know how lucky I am.\u201d I do my best to practice gratitude, live in the present moment, appreciate the beautiful things, and, for the most part, I\u2019m not pretending. But\u2014there\u2019s still that big, fat \u201cbut\u201d\u2014what about the rest?<\/p>\n

Common sense says we\u2019re never going to get it all done. Never. Life is a ball in motion; some of us can roll the ball faster and farther than others. But that doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re not moving the ball, so that must count for something.<\/p>\n

So, aside from a lottery win (which can\u2019t take away chronic health issues, cancer, or even death), to break imposter status, do I surrender people-pleasing perfectionism, remind myself I\u2019m human, celebrate my wins, and cultivate self-compassion? Or, like a few of my \u201cimposter\u201d friends\u2014keep it bottled up, take meds, and stay busy and too tired to care?<\/p>\n

How about I reframe it all together.<\/p>\n

Maybe this is<\/em> my best life. Maybe I\u2019m not an imposter at all. Maybe life is carrying me along as myself<\/em>. It's profound, but yet not complicated. It\u2019s simply being alive.<\/p>\n

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