{"id":2712,"date":"2022-08-02T09:03:44","date_gmt":"2022-08-02T13:03:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/deborahblackwell.com\/?p=2712"},"modified":"2022-08-02T11:00:54","modified_gmt":"2022-08-02T15:00:54","slug":"making-peace-with-the-past-takes-time-and-a-good-meal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/deborahblackwell.com\/?p=2712","title":{"rendered":"Making Peace With the Past Takes Time… and a Good Meal"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

By Deborah Blackwell<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n

You walk down that wedding aisle and don\u2019t look back until years later, when you ask yourself what the heck you were doing. Of course you didn\u2019t know at the time you were marrying a less-than-compatible soul, the turmoil that followed made the case. So, you get divorced and eventually try to make peace with the past.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

How? By finally having dinner with your ex.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After a zillion invitations through the years from my ex and his second wife to share holidays, and birthdays, and be friends because \u201cWe\u2019re still family,\u201d Sir Husband and I finally accepted. It wasn\u2019t easy; there\u2019s a lot of history there. Marital misery can be hard to shake, and roadblocks to forgiveness are real. \u201cAcceptance is key,\u201d sages say. Hmmm.<\/p>\n

Everybody faces roadblocks, and some days, it seems like we have them at every turn. I could list a whole lot of external roadblocks \u2014 circumstances and people appearing out of nowhere creating what feels like an obstacle course. It\u2019s not like I welcome them with open arms as I would a warm hug from an old friend. Instead, it\u2019s like a frustrating carnival game. They move around, making life feel difficult and upsetting to navigate.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But it\u2019s the internal roadblocks that require steadfast attention. The grim thoughts, the bad memories, the stories that build on the old stories, that can really sink your spirit. We try not to place blame, but we do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019re supposed to thank the powers that be for providing the opportunity to overcome these obstacles and evolve or adjust our course. But usually we just curse them \u2014 no matter how much \u201cwork\u201d we have done to try to feel better. \u201cIn order to heal you have to feel,\u201d a yoga teacher once told me. I wanted to bend him into a pretzel, I was tired of \u201cfeeling.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Solving problems, like how to put the past behind you, is not just something you simply check off your to-do list. The only way to get over the mountain is with action steps that seem safe, doable, and reasonable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So we went. It was time for Sir Husband and me to put my marital past \u2014 the one entangled with drama and dysfunction \u2014 behind us. On a beautiful late afternoon, we took a boat to our favorite part of town to meet my ex and his wife for a meal. It started with wine, it ended with cannoli, and in between \u2014 surprise! \u2014 we had a lot of fun. That\u2019s not to say the past didn\u2019t try to sneak up behind me and push its way into the present. I had nowhere to run or hide from what I know<\/i>. I can\u2019t forget it; I can\u2019t change it; but it didn\u2019t come with fanfare. When I felt it, I sent it a silent blessing and focused on the meal.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I want to nurture my hopes, dreams, and future, not my past trauma. <\/b>That particular old roadblock to happiness is now in a far-away place I don\u2019t need to go, or even visit ever again. It took action, not reaction, and some surrender, too. Turns out, trying to stop resisting whatever feels like needs resisting can lead to acceptance. Whatever it takes, I\u2019m committed. From deep breathing, to distraction, and yes, even to dinner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Safe, doable, reasonable. Send a blessing and move on. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/section>

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