{"id":2415,"date":"2022-03-06T10:48:55","date_gmt":"2022-03-06T15:48:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/deborahblackwell.com\/?p=2415"},"modified":"2022-03-07T09:19:17","modified_gmt":"2022-03-07T14:19:17","slug":"wait-theres-nothing-wrong-with-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/deborahblackwell.com\/?p=2415","title":{"rendered":"Wait! There\u2019s Nothing Wrong with Me?\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/p>\n

By Deborah Blackwell<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

During the \u201cOprah era,\u201d I had a massive collection of books by gurus on mind and body healing. Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Pema Chodron, Carolyn Myss, Neale Donald Walsch, Marianne Williamson, Ekhart Tolle, Esther Hicks, Louise Hay, the list goes on and on. I don\u2019t mean literary greats like Maya Angelou, Sylvia Plath, Henry David Thoreau, even Mark Twain. I had those too. But I didn\u2019t realize how wed I was to healing until a friend walked into my living room, wandered over to my bookcase, and said, \u201cWow, this is the biggest self-help library I have ever seen.\u201d That sentence\u2014and the surprised expression on his face\u2014took me back.\u00a0<\/p>\n

A week later, I spent an hour throwing three-quarters of my book collection into a box to donate to the library. Feeling judged (although I\u2019m sure he wasn\u2019t judging), with an internal shame I had never had about my books before, I quickly scanned the back covers of each one, deciding in a flash if I needed that expert\u2019s words to get me over the finish line. Maybe I was finally \u201chealed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nope. I wasn\u2019t. How did I know? Because over the next several years, I spent a lot of time and money rebuilding my collection. Some books I replaced, others I added. I felt better, but I didn\u2019t feel \u201chealed\u201d or done evolving. I wasn\u2019t to the place in my mind yet, that I was finally like these teachers. Empowered, self-sufficient, oozing self-acceptance and self-love.\u00a0<\/p>\n

When Louise Hay died, another friend was surprised when I put something gushy on Facebook about how her books were so helpful to me. I liked what Louise said. But my friend\u2019s comment jolted me, and just like years before, judgment and shame welled up. That friend told me that she knew people who followed Louise\u2019s metaphysical philosophies and declined. OK. That\u2019s not on me, but it stuck with me for years…until last week.<\/p>\n

I started a six-week online course called Power of Awareness<\/em> with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach\u2014two mindfulness masters who dedicated their lives to the practice of loving kindness, awareness, and inner peace. Both have Ph.D.s in psychology, and a long list of credentials to teach enthusiasts like myself how to cultivate well-being. I signed up for a few reasons. First, a debilitating health issue that disrupted my physiological nervous system called for learning how to calm down, really calm down, deep down, like the depths of the ocean under its raging seas above. Meditation\u2014as scientifically proven to radically change our physiology for the better if we stick with it\u2014was a crucial part of my medical treatment plan. Second, I could add this training to my own credentials as a certified life coach.\u00a0<\/p>\n

In the first session, five words I heard changed everything for me. Not just everything in that moment as it pertained to the course, but everything<\/em>.\u00a0<\/p>\n

There\u2019s nothing wrong with you.<\/em><\/p>\n

What?\u00a0<\/p>\n

I backed up the recording and listened again. Jack told a story about a woman on her deathbed whose last words were, \u201cI wish I had known nothing was wrong with me.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Why was this so profound? Because it recasts our deepest doubt. Secretly, don\u2019t we all think something is wrong with us? A story in the news examined that recently, suggesting social media platforms can make teenage girls feel so bad about themselves, some commit suicide. And, that\u2019s just the tip of a massive iceberg of \u201cshame\u201d that has gone on maybe forever. It\u2019s just more visible now with social media trying to shape our minds.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what I realized after I heard Jack\u2019s message. I spent so much of my life imagining a perfect future that I drifted, unsure how to show up to create an empowered life. I made decisions that I thought were right, then I secretly suffered in their aftermath. Oh sure, I learned a lot along the way, because I was determined. But life is carved out by our decisions, and I realized I had spent a good portion of mine waiting for life to begin as soon as I was \u201chealed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here’s the insight I gained. I can release the fear that something is wrong with me, trust myself, and live with a sense of freedom much like that of fireflies breezing into a starry night. No decision is wrong, each is just a path of possibility. I can feel satisfied with that and that alone. Why? Because nothing is wrong with me. Nothing at all. Do I believe that? Yep. Healed.<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\n

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